I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
