my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
