I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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