Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
