hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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