I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
