Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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