There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize