pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She announced her abortion via fbk
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
