Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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