My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize