I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
