I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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