I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
