how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
