I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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