In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
