My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
