I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
