i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
