Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
