Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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