twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize