I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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