I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
