last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize