I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
