the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
