Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
