my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize