I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
40s are totally the cure
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
