I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
