My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
