he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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