his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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