Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
