i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
