i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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