just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
