There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
