how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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