At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
