It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
