There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
