i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
