Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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