This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
