she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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