even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize