a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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