My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
