I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
