I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
if only i could text you this smell
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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