My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
