yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
