his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
