tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
