That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Randomize
