i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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