If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
