Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
