Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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