Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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