So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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