The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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